OKAY, OKAY, I'LL BUY THE VIAGRA!

Sweet Lord. How many e-mails do the Viagra people have to send me? "73% off VIAGRA!" they scream at me. "We've slashed prices because of the competition!!", which is exactly the kind of thing you want to hear coming from your pharmacist. "dan Theresa amanda Butthead nothing abgrossm steph quebec Doobie!" the e-mails triumphantly conclude, bypassing my spam filter. "sparky jesus1 groin infection!"

I get a hundred of these e-mails a day. Clearly, the online Viagra people know something about my penis that I don't.

So my reasoning went like this: maybe if I bought some of their order viagra sweet precious Viagra, they would shut the hell up. As a bonus, I would actually own some Viagra, which I could use to surprise my wife on Valentine's Day. "Oh, darling!" my wife would exclaim. "Twelve hours of painful, nonstop intercourse? You shouldn't have!"

So I did it. I took the bait. I spent a day surfing the Viagra sites, and I was shocked by what I found. I had expected unethical, quasi-legal Web sites dispensing dangerously inaccurate medical advice. Instead, I found unethical, quasi-legal Web sites dispensing dangerously inaccurate medical advice from people dressed up to look like doctors.



Here's Dr. Alec Broers from the renowned medical journal s95forcheapmeds.nepzzz.com, who claims "This product is 100% SAFE medically tested in labs, and by myself personally." Which means that Dr. Broers is impotent. Ha ha! "I happen to know this drug will work," went the second (and more revealing) part of Dr. Broers' endorsement, "because I myself have a limp, sagging penis." You'll notice they don't mention what kind of doctor he is. That's because he is a doctor of love.

Site after site I visited. Sites with trustworthy, dependable names like PillStore, PlanetPills, and KwikMed. A little-known fact is that every Viagra site offers the lowest prices on Viagra. And all lowest prices are "guaranteed."

In the end, I went with AmeriMedRx.com, which offered me the cheapest deal on Viagra (guaranteed), and two-day shipping to boot. I entered my credit card information, but then hit a roadblock. It seems you need to provide actual medical information in order to receive your Viagra. So I filled out the form as honestly as I could:



I could only hope that Dr. Alec Broers would be the one to review my application. He's the love doctor. He would understand.